So I was poking around on Facebook today, stalking people I know but never talk to. I happened upon one of my cousin's profiles, and I couldn't help thinking that she has the life I could have had. She graduated with a science degree from a prestigious university, traveled the world, and now works for the Smithsonian. Pretty sweet for someone who's only 23-ish, right? She is inarguably talented at a myriad of things, not the least of which is music, something I also enjoy.
Granted, I rarely speak to her outside of family functions, and I haven't been to many of those in recent years because of where we live. I don't know what she would say, but I look at that Facebook profile and think, "Wow, what a cool life! I could have done that."
Then I come back to myself and see the popcorn scattered all over my bedroom floor (thanks to Joci), the half-set up pack and play, the unpacked boxes of books and miscellany, and the sleeping newborn on my lap. The contrast is a bit of a shock, and I can't deny the doubt that I was ever smart enough to do what she does. But then again, I really think I could have, if that had been what I wanted.
That's the key isn't it? What we want. I think that those of us who have a choice in what to do with our lives usually do end up, generally speaking, with what we wanted all along. It would have been
so awesome to be a scientist or an academic, but in my heart I wanted this.
I should qualify that, because even as I wrote it I wanted to tack on "first." I wanted to do this first, and I know that because even though her life looks awesome, I'm still content with my choice. Now (even though no one believes it) I'm done having kids and can focus on raising them. In a few years they'll be in school and I'll only be in my early 30's. I can't help but sum up how I feel with this lovely piece of prose:
1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
(I love beautiful language.)
Believe in the bible or not, there is wisdom in this. I will always be a mother and wife first, because that is the thing I want and value most, but I can still do the things I wanted second. I feel a season of my life is ending, a new one is about to begin. Maybe now is the time for what I could have been.