Will's Super Power

Oh, it's that time of year again... Christmas time is here again... and Will and his psychic present-deducing powers are driving me insane!

I'm not going to lie, this happens every single year! I mean, I'm lucky in that he's not that hard to buy for. Does it have even the tiniest, most remote connection with Halo? Can it be attached/put into a game console in some way and played or played with? Is it a complicated board game with many expansions? Buy it. Granted, there are some things he likes better than others, but these are the basic rules. Easy.

The problem is that no matter what I get him, he figures it out. I worked my butt off this year trying to keep his presents a secret, but he has already figured out all of the good stuff I've gotten him for Christmas! Frustrating!!

I don't know how he does it, except that I've been informed it's a superpower he inherited from his father, who, in something like over 30 years of marriage, has failed to be surprised by a gift at Christmas. Ever. For Will, there are two main reasons he finds things out.

Reason 1: He cannot wait to get things he wants, even though Christmas is literally just over two weeks away, and the thought never crosses his mind that maybe SOMEONE already got it for him. This has happened three times in our marriage. Two of those times were this past week.

Example: We're in Best Buy, which we have a nice, large gift card for, and I'm getting some stuff for him and hiding it under Chaela's coat in the bottom of the cart. I slip in a certain movie and wander over to look for the CD my mom wants me to pick up. Two minutes later, Will comes over holding two movies, one of which is already hidden in the bottom of my cart.

Will: Hey, hon, these are $20 bucks off if you buy them together. (He sticks them in the cart. I promptly reach in and hand them back.)
Me: No, we can't get those. Help me find this CD. (Misdirection failed. Will takes them and puts them back in the cart.)
Will: Why not? I know we've got plenty left on the card. It's $20 bucks off, just get them.

Well, this escalates into almost a loud-store-argument, because he is stubborn. Finally I not-quite-yell, "Why do you think you can't get them? Because I ALREADY GOT THIS ONE FOR YOU FOR CHRISTMAS!" At which point I jerk the other movie from his hand, throw it in the cart, and say, "But we can get this one," and walk away. Yes, there have been two other incidents practically identical to that one since we've been married. The first one was a Poker Peek card deck in Wal-mart two years ago, the last one was an expansion to a game that I ordered online. I'm just going to have to ban him from buying anything from November 1-December 25 every year from now on.

Reason 2: He is just weird. I swear we had this conversation.

Me: I'm going to the store. My mom needs steak seasoning for dinner and we're out of colored ink. I'm going to grab some. Do you want anything?
Will: Don't buy colored ink.
Me: It's only like $20. I'm just going to grab some.
Will: I know what you're getting me for Christmas.

And he did.

Possible reason 3: He knows my tells. I have a very hard time getting lies past him. Good in general. Bad at Christmas.

It's not even that Will tries to figure out what I'm getting for him. He just knows. And once he guesses, he can instantly spot me lying to cover it up. He has had exactly one surprise in our four Christmases together. I got him The Dark Knight last year. He almost bought it, but then didn't because I don't remember why. Probably the money thing. I knew that if I wrapped it as-is and put it under the tree, he'd pick it up and say, "Cool, The Dark Knight. Thanks, hon," without even attempting to peek.

So, I found an old, oddly-shaped shoe box, taped the movie to the bottom, stuffed it with tissue paper, and weighted it with some girly book like The Devil Wears Prada but a different one. He shook that thing for days and couldn't figure it out. Finally, Christmas day rolls around and Success! The only Christmas surprise Will has ever had from me.

My goal was one a year, but I'm at my limit for 2009. I really can't get him anything else without being ridiculous. My only consolation is that there are a few things for his stocking he doesn't know about. I'm sad because they're not the things he really wants, you know? But he doesn't really care that much... it only bothers me.

Oh, well. There's always next year. After Thanksgiving I'm going to blindfold him and lock him in a room until Christmas morning.